I want to get flexible

I have always wanted to be an acrobat, already when 5 years old. It’s one of my first memories of my life… me balancing on the back of a chair after having watched circus in television. It was an armchair, but still…

I want to be able to do yoga. I want to be able to turn myself into a pretzel. The meditation aspect of yoga, that I'm not interested in. But - I suppose it could have some positive effects in my life.

So - I want to get more flexible. What does that mean, then?

That I can do the splits. Right, left, center; front and back, up and down. 
There is a lot of tutorials, instructions and how-tos on-line, so that's not a problem. The problem is doing that, every dang day.
They say it takes two weeks to get from no-splits to splits... I doubt that, but... If I stretch faithfully every day, I will be two week CLOSER to splits than if I do nothing. And that's always something.

I want to be able to do the most advanced yoga positions.

And, really, I would like to be a contortionist. Do this:

And guess what? There are even sites teaching you how to become a contortionist on-line!

Introduction to practicing controtion

"However, it's important to do the exercises daily, even if you only do one hour each day (and around one hour is what you should begin with).
Loosing one day of exercising means that it can take up to one week to reach the same level of flexibility. The same is if you miss out a weeks exercises. It can take a month to reach the same level. So if you can't set aside some time each day to exercise don't start contortion training (and miss the best experience of your life)."